The Diary of Quistis Trepe
by sissyHIYAH
Summary: If any character in FFVIII could be considered a singleton, then Quistis Trepe is that character. No real plot, just a series of Bridget Jones-inspired diary entries.
1. Chapter 1

October 5

_Post-birthday party_

_Number of aspirin swallowed: 6_

_Number of aspirin promptly regurgitated: 6 (though in pieces, along with coffee)_

I seem to have lost my glasses, one of my shoes, and my pink underwear. Chances are good that they are a) on dance floor of Club Compression, b) in backseat of Xu's car, c) on dance floor of Club...something or other, or d) on someone else entirely.

Am going to murder Xu in most horrendous fashion.

I'm firmly convinced that homicide should not be illegal if the victim in said homicide has clearly asked to be gutted.

When she asked me last week how I would like to celebrate my birthday, I distinctly remember telling her that I wanted to have a quiet dinner with my friends, maybe some cards or a movie.

Apparently I am not fluent in Xulish because _quiet dinner_ translates to body shots and _cards or a movie_ translates to being tied to pole in strip club with my own whip.

How she even got that weapon past security is a mystery, and she is _not_ talking about it this morning. At least she is suffering just as much as I am, though she is still wearing all of her clothes.

Oh...wait. Strike that.

She is wearing all of Selphie's clothes, which is rather entertaining, since Selphie insisted on wearing that top with the strategically sliced openings to the bar last night.

Well, to the _first_ bar, anyway.

Will wake rest of girls when head stops swimming. Must wake Rinoa now, though. At least drag her to bed so I can run to toilet without falling on her again. Also must apologize for bruise on her arm when sober. Didn't mean to step on her, but it really is her fault for passing out on bathroom tiles.

-------------------------------------

Note: Please note that there will likely be no plot at all with this fic. It's just going to be a series of fictional diary entries written in the style of _Bridget Jones' Diary. _Meh. *shrugs* I was bored.


	2. Chapter 2

October 12

1325

_Number of coffees consumed: 5 (three black w/ sugar, two blonde w/ lowfat imitation cream. v. good considering lateness of hour.)_

_Number of runs in pantyhose: 2 (but one stealthily creeping along heel and I fear it will soon join others of its kind. They seem to be breeding. Must buy neutered hose in future.)_

My hair smells like men's cologne right now, and while normally I would consider this a victory, basking in my post-coital transferred-cologne glow like Boudica rolling in the blood of her conquests, today I smell like a man simply because Squall's office reeks of Rinoa's anniversary gift.

"Are you able to visit D-District and interview Almasy?"

"Isn't that Zell's job?"

"It was, but Zell nearly ended up there himself after he jumped across the table and tried to throttle Seifer while he was handcuffed."

"Is that all? Seifer _is_ still alive, right?"

"Yes, but now Zell is being monitored for potential homicidal behavior and we still have to complete the interviews. Odine is paying a _lot_ of money for this information."

Was drowning in cologne, so agreed without thinking.

Am going to shoot self.

Entire school should be grateful administrative offices on third floor. Entire school should be grateful that I am self-sacrificing sort and faced cloud of doom and sandalwood so that they could live in freedom from olfactory tyranny of cologne manufacturers.

Am considering angry letter to said cologne manufacturers, full of righteous environmental indignation on behalf of Marlboros everywhere. Will no doubt be read on radio shows worldwide.

Wait. Strike that. Will write angry letter on behalf of whales. Cologne no longer made from Marlboros as risk of death from raw materials gatherers made cologne too expensive for consumer. Whales much easier to kill, thus cheaper cologne.

I should be grateful myself, I suppose, that Squall had broken bottle on floor instead of wearing it. Must be sign of how long since last lay that I am still sniffing my hair and dreaming blood-related sex-in-prison conquests.

Must call Xu.

October 12

1345

_Number of phone calls: 3_

_Number of messages left: 2_

_Number of coffees consumed: 2 (v. bad considering only in office 1 hour. shall blame one on impatience.)_

_Number of callbacks: 1 _

Must kill Xu.

After she returned call and I lamented that I was assigned to interview Seifer, she laughed. "Come on Q! It won't be that bad. He'll be handcuffed..."

No sex in three months. Really will kill Xu when next see her.

"Besides, you've been doing all that research on what-the-fuck-ever it is..."

"Memory retention and brain damage. Related to guardian forces. Really has no bearing on these interviews."

"It doesn't?"

"No."

"Oh. Well then, perhaps you should do it anyway."

"Why?"

"Umm..."

"You _hate_ Seifer. Don't you remember the time he tried to take me to dinner and you hit him with a baseball bat?"

"Yes, but these interviews are for the good of mankind, dear."

"Xu, I'm not stupid."

"Fuck it then. Do it for me so I can live vicariously through your tales! The thought of Almasy tied up in prison is enough to send me into a screaming orgasm."

"Just the thought?"

"Umm...yeah."

"Xu. Who do you have over there? You better not be on my bed again."

"Well..."

"That's a bit unsettling, you know."

"Well, it really is your fault. I've _tried_ to get you to join our little games, but you always..."

"Gotta go."

"We could pretend that we're still in college..."

"Another call..."

"Uh huh. Well, call me when you're not at work..."

Really. There are times when having an obsessed roomie is flattering, but there are other times when it's just odd. Of course, now that I'm neck-deep in no-sex self-pity, it's best to have a contingency plan.

Maybe won't kill Xu. At least not tonight. She sounded like she was in a good mood, so perhaps that means she'll make dinner tonight. Must call back after I'm sure her company has left.

Must wash hair. Now that I'm out of overpowering cologne cloud, it smells really, really good.

Maybe kill Rinoa instead, in order to prevent future cologne purchases and stuck-in-office fantasies.


	3. Chapter 3

October 16

_0327_

_Number of..._

_Too many glasses of wine to count. Best to use bottles as units of measurement as lower number deceives reader into thinking that I'm not descending into alcoholism. _

_Number of bottles of wine: 4, but divided between Xu and myself._

_There. Better._

Am feeling rather shamed of myself. Returned from date with Zone--

_note to self: must either not wear glasses next time, or must find guy that does not have glasses fetish. too expensive to replace on teaching wages. also must remember to apply antibiotic ointment to scratches on back. _

_and on thighs. _

_and on shoulders. _

_in fact, probably best to wait until healed before second date with Zone. _

--to find Xu sitting at kitchen table with a deck of cards and an open bottle of wine.

"Did you have a good time?"

"Yes."

"How was the movie?"

"Not bad."

"Uh huh."

"You know, it was...there was a main character and a conflict that needed resolution by the end of the film and..."

"You didn't go to a movie, did you?"

"Well, we made it as far as the theater parking lot..."

Must remember that Xu is clever. Must also remember that Xu wanted to play cards and I stood her up to get laid. Must also remember that Xu has uncanny ability to hold a grudge and extensive knowledge of weaponry and sex toys.

Hmm. Might stand her up again to see what happens...

"So, who was the lucky guy?"

"Just Zone. You've met him. He's in the publishing business."

"Uh huh. The one that works for _Girl Next Door."_

"Well, yes, but he doesn't..."

"That stuff is sexist garbage, you know. Perpetuates the myth that all women are nubile sex slaves eager to get on their knees and perform shameful acts that..."

"Then why the hell do you have a subscription?"

"That's different!"

"It is?"

Currently nursing knot on forehead from airborne wine bottle. Is mark of depth of friendship that Xu is still breathing and I am not imprisoned. Is also mark of Xu's terrible aim that I have swelling on forehead instead of broken nose.

Oh well. Having nothing else to do, we proceeded to down glass after glass of wine, playing a drunken version of Triple Triad that always seems to end in fits of giggles. Have never remembered the rules while sober, thus convinced that alternate reality exists in which actions performed during periods of intoxication can only be recalled while in similar states of altered consciousness.

Xu thinks I'm crazy.


	4. Chapter 4

October 20

2038

_Number of lustful glances directed at yours truly: a staggering sum_

_Number of times encouraged to make haste, else cause riot: just 1, but quite enough to soothe injured ego_

Am image of feminine perfection. Am sex goddess supreme and all shall bow before me. Am beauty beyond all, destined to become immortal during D-District poetry slam sessions.

Okay, so yeah, _maybe_ all of those prisoners were extolling my praises to the heavens because their testicles have been abused in most merciless fashion, subjected to years of withheld testosterone, which I'm fairly sure begins to ferment if not released into aerobic environment...

At any rate, feeling rather pleased with self.

Was feeling very down, due to Rinoa telling me that perhaps I would have better luck in love department if not quite so--

"Well, you do act kind of picky sometimes, Quisty. I mean, it's not like you're going to be able to land a guy as wonderful as my Squall if you don't lower your standards a bit."

Bitch will die at my hands. Perkiness should break rather satisfyingly under my fingers, I think. I believe the perkiness gland is situated just behind the trachea. Unsure, as slept through anatomy and passed with a B. It didn't help that my sub-dermal tectonic plates chose this morning to shift, forcing a mountain that would rival Vesuvius to appear on my chin, nor did it help that my uterus is currently in clutches of vengeful menstrual spirits, writhing in utter agony whilst possessed by said spirits.

So, in full-on hormonal depression, set out to complete tasks assigned by "wonderful" Squall, who is not on my list of favorite people either. Upon reaching D-District and being frisked by a guard that takes great pride in his work, I was led to a common room for interview with great criminal mastermind and former student Seifer Almasy.

Should I ever feel as if will cry because of catty comment made by supposed friend, shall promptly hop in car and drive to middle of desert to be ogled by desperate men. Amazingly refreshing, though feminist in me is suitably outraged by my behavior. Shall seek angry protest with glitter poster in hand at next opportunity, perhaps to show support for plight of female Shumi. Of course, must determine which Shumi are in fact female.

So, seated across from Seifer (who, incidentally, appears to have utilized the prison weights during his incarceration. first ten minutes of interview was series of stuttered 'umms' and 'uhhs' as I was woefully distracted by biceps. (must work on this in order to continue interviews.), I both ignored and relished the various hoots, whistles, and 'hey babys' that drifted my way from other prisoners.

I think Seifer was amused. He certainly _smiled_ at me a lot, which could also mean that he is also suffering from pent-up sexual urges, however his smile seemed less desperate and much more...

Well, it's best that he is in prison, otherwise would likely have him chained to closet door so can utilize his what-must-surely-be prodigious bedroom talents at leisure. I've never had a slave before, though my Trepies would gladly sacrifice their freedom in order to serve my every desire. Voluntary servitude doesn't have the same ring, though. Seifer would be challenge, thus more fun to abuse with whip. Or riding crop. Perhaps feather as well. Definitely _not_ handcuffs.

Due to dangerous smile and very direct, penetrating--_note to self: must think of words other than penetrating. Must remember to purchase thesaurus._--gaze, obvious that he knows full well that he has total control wearing those metal bastards, thus no fun for me, not that I would tell him, if it ever comes down to it.

Am unimpressed with prison and its inability to break spirit of war criminal. Also unimpressed with coffee. Tepid and weak, much like punitive system. Am certain that I could do much better job. Am also certain that I will be miserable tonight, as have no date and out of batteries.

Must remember to call Xu and seek advice.


	5. Chapter 5

October 24

0232

_Number of times vomited: 14 or so, exact number difficult to determine as head hanging in toilet has adverse effect on mind's ability to recall anything other than gastric agony. _

_Number of times vomited on Xu: 3. Am very certain about this number. Am also certain that Xu is even more certain about this number, as her favorite jacket now bears evidence of toxic sashimi._

Am terrible, selfish, wretched, disgusting person.

"You know, the next time Zell and whats-her-face invite you to dinner, I think it would be best if you declined."

"_Urrrrggghh..._"

"Yes, I suppose it would, wouldn't it?"

"No, I said... I said..._waaarff..._"

"Do you think so? Hmm. I would have ordered the beef myself, but you're the one that thinks she's fat and insists on eating nothing but lettuce and seafood..."

"That was last week's diet! I just wanted to try the spiced...the spiced...oh God. Not again..._waaaarrf!_"

"No, I don't think you need a cigarette right now."

"No! I _said_ that I didn't know that restaurant was being investigated for..._hack...hack...haaaaaackk..._"

At this point, fell weeping to floor in blubbering mass of wasabi-infused despair.

Have determined that fastitocalan flesh is not meant for human consumption, no matter how artfully arranged on platter with salmon and rice. Should shark sub-species ever develop petals instead of fins, then shall reconsider eating sashimi rosettes, but until that day, shall remain a healthy distance from raw fish.

Am terrible, selfish, wretched, disgusting person. Do not deserve friend like Xu, who held my hair so I could purge my stomach of vengeful spirits of slain sharks.

Zell is a Pisces, thus able to eat fruits of sea and shore without fear. Shall punch him in gut at next opportunity so that he understands pain experienced after dinner.

"You look like absolute shit, Q."

"Ugh. Shut up."

"You stink too."

"I think I'm dying..."

"Don't you dare die looking like this. I'll kill you if you do."

"Can't help it...it was the sashimi of death..."

"No, no, no. This won't work at all. I've always imagined you dying in an old mansion, you know, like that Havisham bitch. Wedding gown, fifty year old cake on the table...totally batfuck mad. Bonkers."

"You've imagined me dying like that? What kind of sick bitch _are_ you?!"

"Oh, you know you love me."

"_Urgggg..."_

"Q? Quistis? Damn it Q, I can't have you dying on the bathroom floor. Don't move. I'll be right back."

"Don't you leave me here! I don't want to die alone!"

Spent a solid thirty minutes alternately puking and cursing Xu's existence, then curled into quivering ball about porcelain base of toilet and found religion. Or I passed out. Not entirely sure.

Am terrible, selfish, wretched, disgusting person. Garden in midst of lockdown for a nasty strain of influenza and medical help has been limited to dire emergencies. In order to receive professional assistance, one must be:

a) missing one or more limbs

b) already dead

c) a fine actress, or

d) Xu

Unsure how Dr. Kadowaki was convinced to make 0300 house call, but am willing to place large bet that Xu was very creative with her threats. Either she brought the good doctor to me at gunpoint, or she said that she would tell authorities that mysterious plants growing in east side of training center are in fact Dr. Kadowaki's personal stash and are not government-funded medicinal marijuana experiment.

Now with potent anti-nausea drug racing through veins and able to sleep in confidence that will not choke on own bile and die a most ignoble death, am formally rescinding all negative remarks made about best friend. I love my Xu.

Must remember to buy thank-you bouquet upon recovery.

Wait. Strike that. Shall take Xu to strip club and purchase lap-dance to demonstrate eternal gratitude...

Hoo boy. Phenegran kicking in...


	6. Chapter 6

October 31

2132

_Number of themed ales consumed: 3, v. good, considering that all tasted very much like pumpkin pie and much too tempting. v. proud of restraint._

Am disappointed that so few trick-or-treaters came to visit, yet not surprised by low number, as Xu is legend in apartment complex from last year's costumed ambush from behind door with machete and headless chicken.

Blood stain from decapitated bird yet remains in carpet. Shall remind Xu of vow to remove said stain, though likely to make little difference now.

Shall also remind Xu that purpose of Hallow's Eve not to count how many children piss themselves in terror upon welcome mat. Xu disappointed also, as hoped to break last year's record of 17.

Must remember to buy new welcome mat after temptation of holiday scares has passed.

October 31

2258

Selphie called to see if we were attending her Hallow's Eve masquerade party. Declined, as do not want to be approached by Irvine and offered opportunity to go bobbing for apples again. Am well aware that Selphie often sings song about tying yellow ribbon 'round his apple tree. While I am enormously flattered, I have no desire to tie my hands behind my back and wrap my lips around his apples. Or his tree.

Shall remain in apartment tonight with Xu. Popcorn is almost ready and _Blood Soul 4_ is in the dvd player. Exhausted from busy day anyway and ready for relaxing evening at home.

November 1

0333

Am writing this with aid of flashlight under protective cover of Xu's comforter. Am terrified and unable to sleep, as heard noises in bathroom. Eerie moans and creaks ceased only when knob broken off Xu's bedroom door in hurry to jump in her bed. Am fairly certain that ghost of old woman with chains on her ankles and rollers in her hair is haunting the facilities, ready to tear my eyes from their sockets, as seen in bloody film.

Xu confirmed suspicions when checked for me. Envious ghoul desires warmth of human body and is currently haunting my cold cream and hairclips in order to suck out my soul as I brush my teeth.

"You're right, Q. There's something in there."

"I told you!"

"Yep, so now it's probably not a good idea for you to go back to your room. You're much safer here with me."

"Umm..."

"Much, much safer..."

"Umm...what are you doing?"

"Protecting you from ghosts, of course."

"Really Xu, I think it's after my immortal soul, not my boobs."

"Are you sure? I seem to remember hearing that some ghosts are unable to leave this world because they..."

"Move your hand, Xu."

"Can't I just...?"

"Not tonight."

"But..."

"I only had three beers. Not nearly enough for us to..."

"But..."

"No."

"Damn. I knew I should have bought tequila."

Am unable to determine if Xu is telling truth about poltergeist. Am too petrified to leave bed, so shall take chances here under blankets. Am doubtful of her motives, however, would much rather be in clutches of Xu than in icy fingers of spirit from beyond the grave, as Xu's hands are at least warm.


	7. Chapter 7

November 5

2045

_Number of stitches required: 4_

_Number of times Xu screamed 'Fuck!': 43_

_Number of doors replaced: 1_

Am very tired after Selphie's visit today. Had intended on replacing curtains in bedroom and dusting bookshelves after work this afternoon, but now am watching Xu sleep on couch with a scrawny kitten on her belly.

Am feeling rather pleased with display of mercy and kindness. Am poster-child for animal welfare. Am reason that feline now curled on Xu is not plastered to tire of passing automobile. Am also jealous of Xu. Kitten included, seems that everyone likes her more, even the girl that always waits on us at the bar. Of course, Xu does offer to get my drinks free also, but as I am prideful creature and reliant on my own feminine wiles to ensnare potential drink-buyers, I must not let her do this.

Still...it was supposed to be _my_ kitten.

"But ya gotta take her! She was all alone!"

"I don't want a pet. I killed my goldfish when I was twelve and I've been scarred ever since."

"But kitties are a bit more resilient than fish!"

"No."

"Look at her...so cute!"

"She has fleas."

"Well, that's because she's been outside her whole life. She just needs some love! You're single! All single women have cats. It's like...a law or something!"

Had spent past several days in happy denial of singleton status, but now dwelling on it like a prisoner that insists on perfectly measuring the distance between the tally-marks engraved on cell walls.

"She's trying to bite me. Obviously she doesn't like me."

"She's just hungry! And I've already taken care of that for ya! Irvie is at the shop right now and he's gonna bring ya all the stuff you'll need!"

"Xu will kill me."

"No she won't! Xu loves puss...er, I mean...Xu loves cats!"

"How on earth would you know?"

"Umm..."

"Never mind. I don't want to know. I'll keep her. What's her name?"

"I've been calling her Killer Bee!"

"Killer Bee? A kitten?!"

"Well, yeah, I mean, she's yellow and stripy, plus look at her itty bitty face...doesn't she look like a killer? Like a cute little ninja kitty that will chop off your head?!"

Must remember to go shopping in morning. Out of bread, plus need more gauze and bandages for Xu. Thankfully, Selphie is as good as her word. Irvine delivered promised supplies soon after Selphie departed to meet her roller derby team. Will have no need to buy anything for Killer Bee for a while. Kitchen cabinets are well stocked with cat food, treats, catnip, etc.

Must also remember to send large fruit basket to landlord this holiday season. Mr. Chang very unhappy to learn that our door was broken down by a man in a cowboy hat wielding a cell phone camera. Must also remember to buy flowers for Irvine, as spending night in hospital after breaking clavicle against door in hurry to photograph Xu with that kitten.

"Just...try to relax, Xu!"

"I am fucking relaxed!"

"No! Stop jerking your hand! You're hurting me!"

"It's not me! That was you!"

"Ow! God, you hit me in the thigh!"

"Eeew! It's wet!"

"You of all people shouldn't be worried about _that!"_

"Well, make it let go of my fingers!"

"No! Don't hit it with your other hand! That won't do anything but make her latch on tighter!"

"It's a _her?!_ How the hell can you...ow, goddamnit! How can you tell? They all look the same to me!"

"Don't be ridiculous. I know you have very little experience with the--the--the _danglier_ anatomical bits, but even for _you_ it should be obvious which are..."

"I don't give a damn right now! Just get my finger out of here before I lose it!"

"Well, the angle is all wrong! Move your other fingers and it should slide right out!"

"Okay, let me try...oh thank God! It's out..."

"I _told_ you. Next time I give you instructions, it would be best if you...ow!"

"Oh shit Q! Are you okay?"

"Owww...yeah, I just hit my head on the bedpost..."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm sure. Now, you better wrap your hand before you make a mess. Let me try and see if I can...oh. That's much better."

"Now why is it that you're getting such great results?"

"Because I'm _gentle_, Xu. I don't just start teasing and then jerk my hand away right when I find the spot that..."

"I thought I _was_ being gentle..."

"Oh, don't get so mad. It's just going to take some time until you're familiar with what she likes."

"Umm, Q? Is that you making that noise?"

"No, it's her."

"They do that?"

"Of course they do."

"I've never heard one do it before..."

"Well, it's because you've been doing it wrong. Here, give me your other hand. See? Nice and easy. You just have to move slowly until..."

_Crash! _

"What the fuck is that?"

"Sounds like someone is breaking in!"

"Get your bat! I'll call the cops!"

Have never figured Irvine for animal lover, though now know why Selphie is so fond of him. Quite kind of him to rush to our aid, though now we are under observation by Mr and Mrs. Chang because he had mud on his boots and carpet is now ruined. Killer Bee now seems very fond of Xu. She hasn't even bit her again since we returned from hospital. Perhaps feels guilty about her lacerated middle finger. Or perhaps is plotting way to finish the job and means to lull Xu into false sense of security. Must also remember to take picture of pair on couch and email to Selphie, and must also send one to Irvine, since he had such big grin on face when thought he would take pictures of Xu and I in bed with pussycat.


	8. Chapter 8

November 12

1235

_Number of phone calls from parents about visiting for holidays: 1_

Number of cigarettes: 4, v. bad considering that I am non-smoker, yet v. good considering that I started with cigars

Number of cigars: 2, v. bad since now am coughing, yet v. good since wanted to relive college days and fire up joint in order to relax

Am waiting for Xu so I can order whiskey sour and not feel like raging alcoholic whilst sitting at table alone. Upon her arrival, shall remind her that, while punctuality is most definitely _not_ her forte, attending to her distraught friend in time of crisis should be priority of utmost importance.

Shall not light another cigarette, no matter how charmingly my rather muscular waiter offers.

Shall not accept offer of free glass of wine, since am trying to maintain professional appearance at popular restaurant frequented by colleagues.

"I used to be in your class, you know..."

"You were?"

Shall make better effort to remember that spotty adolescent boys sometimes grow into muscle-bound gods with amazing smiles and impressively deep voices.

"Um-hm. In your very first class. Front row, second seat from the left..."

"You weren't friends with the one that broke into my dorm and stole my underwear, were you?"

"Eh...no, but he did sit just behind me. The one in the AV club that wheezed all the time..."

"Oh, yes. I remember now. Had a bit of trouble with him after he set up a surveillance system in the faculty restroom. I hear he works for the government now, which is a bit frightening, considering that..."

Considering that I have received fourteen offers in mailbox to have expensive state-of-the-art security system installed at no charge at all. Shall remember to buy extra locks for door and shall warn Xu that she can no longer roam apartment nude.

"Yeah, he was a weird kid."

Shall ignore seductively shy way my waiter/former student/potential love puppet grins at me, then looks at floor.

"So, how long have you worked here?"

"A year or so. I wasn't cut out to be a soldier, and I've always loved serving people at my parents bar, so this seemed like a..."

Shall not imagine what rumbling voice would sound like against ear whilst murmuring things of very little import after night of sexual acrobatics. Shall also not imagine myself in role of sex queen, served grapes by oiled-down slave with charmingly crooked smile and pleasing subservient manner...

"Q! God, sorry I'm late, but I had a hell of a time getting here, so...what the hell is he doing here?"

"Oh? Do you know him?"

"No, but I know his _type."_

Should stop writing, since now have no need to act the part of profesional educated yuppie in front of former student, however will _not_ stop, since am now furious that Xu is running unwanted interference.

"Umm, it was nice talking to you, Instructor Trepe. Maybe we can catch up _properly_ later."

No! Ignore her! Oh God, don't growl out a word like 'properly' with that deliciously vibrato bass voice of yours and leave me wondering how many of your lower octaves uttered on particular portions of my anatomy it will take to reach blinding orgasm! Ignore my friend! Ignore, ignore, ignore!

"Oh for the love of God, Q, stop giving that boy those puppy eyes."

Am ignoring Xu. Am proud of self for ability to make Xu raving, insanely jealous lunatic.

"Don't ignore me. And give me some of those breadsticks."

Shall refrain from informing Xu that fly landed on appetizer, no doubt depositing all manner of filth and pestilence on crusted garlic breadsticks.

"Besides, it's not like you can't have any guy you want."

"Well, I wanted _that_ one."

Shit. Due to petulant tone and protruding lower lip, no longer have upper hand in conversation. Xu now grinning at me in that way she has that suggests that she is descended from carnivorous feline.

"So, what's the big emergency? You only smoke when you're really stressed."

Am now depressed once again.

"My parents want me to come home for the holidays."

Am now wiping garlic and saliva off of journal pages.

"What?!?! Why the hell do they want you to visit? It's only been, what..."

"Fourteen years, six months and three days."

"Yeah, I lost count. Anyway, they _never_ call you. Why the bloody fucking hell is it so important that you visit them this year?"

"Dad is sick and Mom wants us to make peace, since this might be his last holiday and..."

Xu is grinning at me again. Am now certain that should I take sample of her blood while she is asleep to test for feline ancestry.

"Your folks are rich, right?"

"So?"

"Soooo...maybe you should go play Molly McGooddaughter long enough to score big on that inheritance..."

"Won't work. I'm adopted, remember?"

"Hmm...your mom was disappointed when your dad shipped you off to military school, right? She's always liked you. I mean, didn't she pick you out of the other grubby little bastards when you were adopted?"

"Well, yes, but Dad has hated me ever since I caught him banging the pool boy while Mom was away at her retreat for...oh ho! Xu, you're brilliant!"

Am daily impressed with Xu's twisted, evil mind. Am grateful that remain on list of her friends, since to be her enemy must be painful/expensive indeed.

"Right. So while holding dear daddy's hand, it would be a good idea to remind him that one cannot take one's wealth to hell, and it would be a very good idea to make all necessary adjustments to his will in order to ensure that his last days are spent in peace and not in painful embarrassment of recently brought-to-light allegations of homosexual affair with what-was-surely an underage-at-the-time poolboy."

"Isn't that blackmail?"

"Hmm...only for him. For us, it's just a business enterprise."

"Ah."

"So, what're we having?"

Am now looking over to bar, where waiter is looking back at me and smiling in most...

"To _eat_, Q. What're we having to _eat_?"

"Right, right. Umm, I hear the porterhouse is really good."

"Great! I'll take two. You're buying."


	9. Chapter 9

November 17

1232

_Number of phone calls made in attempt to obtain bail: 4_

Number of times successful: 1, though now Xu is ready to kill me for person called

The next time Xu wants to fly all the way to the Golden Saucer to run a card scam, she must find another partner, as am now opposed to spending any more nights in jail.

Due to stress from impending exams and whining from perpetually surprised students that end of term means recollection and retrieval of previously studied material in order to advance to next class, Xu suggested that we take holiday out of town.

Flight was smooth and all bags accounted for when landed, concierge at hotel helpful and friendly, room spotless and bed enormous.

"Woo hoo! Check out the hot tub!"

"Yes, it's nice, but there's only one bed in here."

"What was that Q? I couldn't hear you over the jets!"

"There's only one bed in here!"

"What?"

"One bed!"

"Come to bed? Well, it _is_ early, but if you insist, then I'll be there once I take off my..."

"No, you bloody deaf idiot, I said there's only one bed! I think they messed up our reservations."

"Gee, whaddya know? There _is_ only one bed. I guess they were booked solid and this was all that was left."

"Well, I'll go back downstairs and speak with the desk clerk. I'm sure she can..."

"No! Er, I mean...let's get a drink first, then we'll see about the room. After all, maybe when it's later, somebody will have left the hotel."

As was too tired from long flight, did not argue.

"I saw a sign for a place called _The Kinky Minx_."

"No, not first thing. Maybe after a few drinks..."

"Really?!"

"I said _maybe."_

"Good enough for me! Now, how about we hit the downstairs casino?"

After years of extensive psychological training, should have known that when someone like my best friend smiles and agrees with me, trouble shall soon follow. Should have known that when she insisted that I wear rather revealing red dress slit up to hips and down to tits that she had motives deeper than simply getting me drunk and easy.

"I look like a whore, Xu."

"No, you look like...uh...uh...wow."

Was rather impressed with own reflection, as Xu does have good taste, but due to weak moment of vanity and twirling in mirror, failed to notice that Xu wasn't even trying to molest me, which is almost sure sign that she is plotting something.

Upon arrival at card tables with drunken businessmen and gamblers downstairs, soon learned what purpose Xu had for both slutty yet pleasingly clingy dress and my company.

"Now, put this bubblegum in your mouth and forget that you know big words."

"What?"

"You heard me, Blondie. Pop bubbles, say 'totally' and 'like', and giggle when those fat fuckers try to hit on you."

Am not now, nor have I ever been capable of giggling, except when thoroughly intoxicated. Am much more likely to politely titter with hand held to mouth in proper ladylike fashion, but as was angry at Xu, did not clarify.

"Oh no! We're not doing this again!"

"Come on! This isn't like last time! I've got a taxi waiting outside so that we won't have to run if some shit goes down!"

"But _you_ weren't the one that had to hide in those bushes for four hours while those men..."

At this point was interrupted by rather handsome man in expensive suit.

_Very_ expensive suit.

"I hate to interrupt, but you look very familiar. Have I met you before?"

Heard Xu mutter under her breath about bad luck and recognized top general of Galbadian forces valiantly trying to look at my face instead of down my dress. As noble attempt was at least made, did not feel angry when he surrendered and treated himself to ocular buffet. Felt rather flattered in fact, both that he was practically drooling over what was fast becoming my new favorite garment and that Xu was grinding her teeth in satisfying fashion.

"Why yes. I'm very close friends with your daughter."

"Oh. Er, yes. I remember now."

Uh oh. Losing interest due to proximity in age to Rinoa.

"But of course, I am older than her..."

Am pleased with self for seductive purr capable of ensnaring wealthy men. Am considering becoming gold-digging floozy so as to never be stressed by exams and bitchy students again.

"So, this is my first time here and I simply don't know the ropes. Do you come here often?"

"On occasion, yes. I like to throw some dice or play a few rounds of cards. Do you play?"

Due to hand creeping lower on back and Xu's increasingly evil gaze, was almost certain that he did not mean pinochle or spades. And when roving hand did in fact descend to my ass, became dead certain that cards would not be only thing spread on table.

"Why yes. I play a _very_ good game."

"Well then! In that case, I would like to invite you to my suite, and maybe we could play a couple of ..."

Am very upset with Xu for dragging me to another card table and ruining chance at becoming deliciously rich trophy wife with six cars, half-naked personal trainer named Rico and ski retreat in Trabia.

"Look. I owe a lot of money to some guys in Timber and I need you to hustle these dumb bastards so that we can..."

"You idiot, I _was_ hustling a dumb bastard! A very rich dumb bastard!"

"Not that kind of hustle, damn it! Come on! Please!"

Unable to deny Xu when she gives me that look with those big brown eyes. Shall never tell her though, as she would undoubtedly use it to her advantage for more than simple monetary requests.

"Ugh. Fine. But when somebody gets pissed, it'll be _you_ running this time. I can't possbily do it in these heels."

And after winning substantial sum from casino, having approximately 37 horny businessmen stare at my cleavage while Xu played wing-man, we were summarily busted for running scam and arrested by unpleasant police officers smelling suspiciously of mai-tais.

"If you hadn't punched that officer, I bet we could have gotten away with a warning."

"Well, he was looking at you."

"Wasn't that the point tonight?"

"Not when we aren't making any money!"

Unable to resist teasing Xu when she is so furious. Am certain that I shall be the reason that she has nervous breakdown one day in very near future.

"Oh. I thought it was simply another fetish of yours to have strange men staring at me."

"Q, I'm going to kill you."

"Oh! Did I tell you that I scored the bail on that last phone call?"

"You did? Who'd you call? Selphie?"

"No."

"The cowboy?"

"Nope."

"Who then?"

"Well, let's just say that you'll be the only one in that big bed tonight, Xu. I have a date with a very rich man once we get out of here."

Shall ignore that Xu has called me: whore, slut, money-hungry bitch, whore, tramp, whore, hussy, sexy whore and slut, since is obvious that she is so overcome with gratitude that her vocabulary has suffered as a result.


	10. Chapter 10

November 19

0330

_Number of jello shots for Selphie: 7_

Number of whiskey shots for Xu: 9

Number of cosmopolitans for me: 5, as wanted to play part of tasteful sophisticate and martinis are simply slutty, the mark of true alcoholics

Number of martinis for Rinoa: 3

Should I ever wish to meet my friends for happy hour again, shall be selective in which friends are invited to attend said happy hour, else Xu murders said friends and said happy hour becomes very, very unhappy hour.

"He's _totally_ into you, Xusie Xu! He was checking out your ass when you went to the bathroom! He's a cutie!"

While Selphie's choice in potential man-meat _was_ particularly scrumptious, all muscle and sinew and bulges in the proper denim-clad locations, her choice in potential man-eater was a little less...

"Oooh! Oooh! He's totally coming this way! Quick! Everybody laugh at something Xu just said!"

Avoided appearance in court by grabbing Xu's hand and preventing Shot Glass A from being inserted into Tilmitt Throat B. Am veritable saint for preserving life of extraordinarily happy version of bipedal sunshine.

"But Selphie! Xu hasn't said a word! She's just sitting there, kind of..."

"I know that Rin, but if she hopes to be the snake to eat his mongoose, er, mongoose to eat his snake, er, weasel to raid the chicken house...wait a second. Quisty! Help me out!"

Shall buy Selphie zoology textbook at earliest opportunity.

"Q, if you even _consider_ helping her think of some sort of animal kingdom/penis analogy, I will handcuff you, cover you in honey, and throw you to those creepy little Trepies, you got it?"

As am personally familiar with Xu's dedication to her threats...

_Note to self: must remember to purchase shampoo for Xu at all costs, as used last of hers this morning and scar from last year's penance has yet to fade. Must also remember to hide whip in more secure location, as Xu seems much too fond of it to be good for my health._

Though shall not hide it too well, as most things that are bad for health are in fact very good for many other reasons and do not want Xu to give up hunt for said hidden whip.

...I slapped Selphie on the back of the head and forced her to behave.

"But, he really is into her! See! He's like, flirting with her and stuff!"

Truthfully it seemed as if bar-fly muscle-bound Adonis might have been a kicked puppy in a past life, for every time Xu insulted him, he wiggled a bit closer and begged for more punishment.

As Xu in state of misery due to probation, thus unable to inflict most vengeful wrath on bothersome nuisance without fear of lawful repercussions, I whipped out my saint card once again and came to rescue of testosterone-harried best friend.

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to try seducing someone else. Xu here is _my_ love slave and I regret to inform you that I'm the jealous sort."

"Oh?!"

Manner in which said Adonis said 'Oh?!' has me questioning whether saving Xu by this method was good idea or potential disaster.

"So does this mean that you guys are, uhhh...you know...like, involved and stuff?"

"Yes. We are _very_ 'you know', so much so that later tonight Xu will be screaming my name to whatever deity she believes in due to my skilled ministrations on and/or in her very luscious..."

Was interrupted by flustered Xu spitting whiskey across table, soaking Rinoa much to Selphie's drunken delight.

"You're going to do what to my...?"

"Hush. I'm trying to get rid of this douche-bag, so pretend that you're madly in love with me, okay?"

Am pleased that tongue in Xu's ear and possessive nip on throat effectively intimidated said douche-bag enough to send him whimpering back to his buddies. However, no matter how pleased I am with hastily crafted plan to save Xu from aggressive suitor, am woefully disappointed to find Xu very angry with me.

Though am very pleased that Selphie threw up on Rinoa on way home from bar, covering her in tropical punch red, which I think to be a very suitable shade for her complexion.

"Eeeeew!!!! It's not jello at _all_ anymore! Gross! Hee hee! Rinny, I made you all red!"

Taxi driver less than impressed, no matter how large a tip we left. And in spite of glee that Rinoa must return to Squall reeking of bile and gelatin, am still disappointed that Xu so mad at me.

Must remember to make it up to her.


	11. Chapter 11

November 23

0845

_Number of aspirin consumed: 8_

Number of tampons in purse: 4, should be able to make it to shop after work

When am able to uncurl body from fetal position, shall remind self that no amount of whining will help present state. And hiding on floor behind desk in said fetal position so as to appear to be out of office shall not stop phone from ringing, nor shall it prevent meeting with headmaster to discuss purchase of textbooks.

Due to truly spectacular menstrual cramps and agonizing headache, am convinced that Xu is correct about gender of spiteful deity, as no goddess would ever subject her loyal creations to such torture.

However, though my uterus feels as if it is being torn out and trod upon by host of high-stepping cattle in stilettos, must remember that every cycle of pain and misery means that gametes exchanged during infrequent sexual encounters have not fused, thus meaning that no child shall crawl from loins, permanently expand my waistline, and grow to be ungrateful brat that would surely hate her mother and come home from college with piercings and girlfriend similar to Xu.

_Boom, boom, boom!_

Shall ignore pounding on door.

_Boom, boom, boom!_

Shall ignore the fact that some rude person has now entered my office and shiny black boots are now visible on other side of desk.

"Look, Q. You either come out or I'll drag you out. We're supposed to meet Cid at 0900."

Shall remain hidden in hopes that Xu will think I have died and been taken to a friendly morgue. Shall not look up, even though Xu has leaned across desk and is laughing at me.

"Hmm. I guess this means that it's time for The Crimson General to begin her massacre of the people of Fallopia?"

Shall remember to slap Xu later for making me laugh when am determined to do nothing but bemoan the circumstances that made Hyne decide to visit plaque upon humanity. "Make my excuses for me, would you?"

"Oh no. You know the rules. The only way to avoid these meetings is to be either wounded or dead."

"Well, I _am_ bleeding. Doesn't that count?"

"Not for faculty meetings. Besides, once we get this out of the way, we'll have the weekend off. I arranged for a sub to take your students on a little field trip."

Am not fond of having my plans altered, no matter that I meant to skip class anyway in order to count fibers in office carpet.

"A field trip? Where?"

"Not sure. Tilmitt said she'd take care of the little bastards."

Am now terrified that pieces of my students shall be returned to me in paper bags, as Selphie's idea of a fun trip normally involves:  
a) gunfire  
b) glitter  
c) explosions  
d) kittens

Am pleased with self for righteous concern on behalf of doomed students and for neglecting for a full thirty seconds to think of potential lawsuits from angered parents upset to find their mailboxes containing paper death bags full of glitter and viscera.

"Where the hell is she taking them?"

"Does it matter? She takes your students, we get an early lunch, then we can..."

"Yes it matters! Selphie will probably have them trained by now to become militant animal rights activists!"

"Meh. As long as they stick to blowing up research labs and stay away from butchershops, that'll be fine. I'm in the mood for a burger and don't want the meat-packing industry to be affected."

Due to politically incorrect statement by best friend, shall become vegetarian. Am pleased with self over concern for furry creatures that are unable to defend themselves from carnivorous appetites of women in thigh-high jackboots.

"And you're coming with me. I need a lunch date."

"I don't believe so. I'm a vegetarian."

"Since when?"

"Since I came to the realization that consuming the flesh of living creatures is..."

"Yummy. Ain't nothing like a big, juicy slab of meat on a bun. Pickles and fries on the side, maybe a strawberry shake too."

As am now vegetarian and disgusted by thought of eating meat, unable to determine why exactly stomach chose this moment to growl in very traitorous manner. Am beginning to think that my organs are planning a bloody revolution, with my uterus crushing my will to fight and my stomach in league with Xu. Shall keep close eye on spleen and liver to swiftly deal with any whispers of uprising.

"Fine. We'll go get salads or broccoli or...something."

Though Xu is being rather gracious by offering to let me play my role as smug herbivore, the fact that she changed my schedule without consulting me is still enough for me to want her to suffer.

"I still can't. I have a date."

"Uh huh. Right. With a guy that doesn't mind taking Aunt Flo along for the ride?"

Shit. In dreams of peaceful coexistence with all of Hyne's creatures, forgot that I am on floor in midst of a very one-sided hormonal battle and Xu is too clever to miss something like this.

"Umm..."

"Don't you umm me, sister. Now hurry up so we can finish this meeting and grab a bite to eat. I'm starving."

Appears that an early lunch is now unavoidable. Shall force Xu to make dinner tonight to pay for disrupting plans to hide in office all day.


	12. Chapter 12

November 27

1445

_Number of times Xu has hit her finger with hammer: 4_

Number of times said finger has been offered down for healing kiss: 3, but no more, as told her that I thought she was doing it intentionally and would no longer make offer

Spent majority of morning with Xu, first in mad dash from shop to shop in order to find post-holiday/pre-holiday bargains, as wages from teaching and secretarial work do not supply funds necessary to amaze friends with marvelous gifts as they are seen-on-television, then in attempt to decorate flat with bits of string and lights. Apartment now beginning to resemble either very chaotic acid nightmare from minds of those mischievous holiday elves, or low class brothel frequented by said elves, as am certain that those pointy eared bastards must resort to paying for sex in order to reproduce.

Killer Bee seems amused, either by the fact that Xu is standing on her toes in a chair, swatting at a nail with a hammer, or that I am chasing errant strands of lights much as she chases that catnip mouse that she hides under Xu's pillow.

"So is there a reason we're tearing down our flat and stringing up tiny little lights?"  
"Er..."  
"Er, what?"  
"Er, Matron called last night and said she might visit."

Must remember that it is not a good idea to be the bearer of bad news when Xu is the bearer of a hammer.

"Oh fucking hell. The last time she came here, she tried to convince me that I could have any man I wanted if I would just follow her fashion advice."  
"I know, Xu, but..."  
"She tried to make me try on one of those horrible vampirella affairs that she's so fond of, and then the crazy old bat tried to fix my hair and..."  
"Just try to tolerate her for just one evening. She's the closest thing to a mother I have, so..."

Though am still in slight amount of pain from stepping on broken light with bare foot, am pleased that timing was so fortuitous, as tears welling up in eyes had the same effect that would normally require me to spend hours on my knees in effort to bend Xu to my will. Shall remember this trick, as much faster than begging.

"Goddamnit. You owe me, Q. You owe me soooo big."  
"Ugh, fine. But first, plug those over there so you can start on this next strand."  
"Wait. Don't go that way."  
"Move over, Xu."  
"I can't! You're getting tangled up in my lights!"  
"Well, slide to the left so I can unwind the red strand from the blue..."  
"Those aren't blue, are they? They look green to me..."  
"No, they're blue, so just slide over and..."  
"No! Stop! You're twirling the wrong way!"  
"I am not!"  
"You're winding yourself closer to me! We're gonna fall if you don't..."  
"Xu! You're falling on me!"  
"I can't bloody well help it!"  
"No, fall that way, not on top of...OOOF!"

Spent approximately twenty minutes disentangling myself from Xu, four strands of multicolored twinkly lights, the chair upon which Xu was standing in order to reach ceiling, and an extension cord that appeared out of nowhere. Would have been untangled much faster had Xu not been so happy to find herself on top of me in living room floor.

"No, Xu. Move your hands to the left."  
"Oh no. To the right. And down a bit as well..."  
"No, I just got the red ones sorted out over there, so don't..."  
"If you'd just relax, I'll have us out of these lights in no time at all..."  
"Xu, those are my buttons, not the lights."  
"Oh really? Well, that would explain why I can see your belly instead of..."  
"Stop it. That tickles."  
"Does it? Oh dear. Better try something else. And what if I do this?"  
"That definitely doesn't tickle, but that's my zipper and...and!"  
"And?"  
"That is NOT a light, Xu!"  
"Give me just a minute and I'll have it glowing like one..."

Doorbell rang at this time and greetings and kisses were exchanged by all, once Xu was convinced to allow me up to answer door. Am still unable to decide if I am happy that Matron decided to ring our bell at this time, or am furious that we were interrupted from...decorating. Shall decide later, once am finished eating these marvelous cookies and delightful cinnamon-nutmeg coffee concoction brought to us in spirit of pre-holiday madness that makes Edea turn into Susie Homemaker.

Xu, however, is livid. Has not even touched the chocolate chip cookies that Matron baked for her, stating that she was on a sudden diet and unable to eat any holiday goodies.

Edea's next words, when unaccompanied by cookies and/or nutmeg coffee, turned Xu from mere lividity to full-on door-slamming rage. Am not fond of Xu's music, especially when she turns it to her spying level, which is high enough for guests to talk freely, but low enough so that she can hear every word.

"I've had a spot of trouble with Cid lately."  
"Umm...sorry?"  
"Well, he's not exactly bringing home a lot of money these days, and you've seen the house."

Yes. No matter how I told them that living in an area where the very atmosphere is composed of sandblasting particulate matter that is designed strictly for eroding fancy paintjobs from coastal homes, my helpful advice was ignored. Last visit to old home in Centra worked wonders for my complexion, as sand and salt in air are fantastic exfoliants, but wreaked havoc upon finish of car and had to pay two thousand gil to reimburse rental company.

"Yes, it does need some work..."

Non-committal and friendly seemed the best way to handle this situation, since Xu was in bedroom with Killer Bee and refused to come out and assist me.

"And he's not been...you know. Not been that er, impressive, er lately."

Shall ignore snort from bedroom, as am certain that Xu will have gift basket on desk for Cid on Monday, no doubt full of all sorts of pornographic material and an instructional manual.

"Impressive? What do you mean by...oh hell."

"Yes dear. His doctor blames his blood pressure, but I'm not worried about his heart. I'm more worried that he hasn't been able to light a fire with that limp match he carries in his pocket for over a year."

Perhaps I should have been a bit more sympathetic, since am very familiar with images of carrion-strewn wasteland of reproductive organs after no-sex drought conditions, but as was very uncomfortable with direction of conversation, all I could think to say was a very eloquent "Umm Hm."

"And the fighting has been rather stressful, and since Squall and Rinoa are together and I don't want to sleep on any sheets that Irvine has used, I thought that I may stay here with you for just a couple of weeks..."

"Um, what about Zell?"

"And stay with that bitch, er, the lovely Mrs. Dincht until the holidays are over?"

"Right, right. But, we only have so much room and our couch is so small..."

"Oh, but you could stay in the same room as Xu for just a few nights, couldn't you?"

Due to door slammed open by ecstatic Xu and subsequent hole knocked into sheetrock, must visit hardware store to make necessary repairs.

Have not seen Xu with such broad smile since she watched me performing moves on yoga dvd I borrowed from Selphie.

"That is no problem at all, Mrs. Kramer. We'd be thrilled to have you visit us for the holidays."

"We would?!"

Am now nursing bruise on ribs from Xu's very sharp elbow. Shall destroy the bitch.

"Of course we would. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking of going shopping again. Wouldn't you like to come with me, Mrs. Kramer? You know how I respect your advice on all matters related to clothing and fashion.

"Well! That does sound like fun! I know a dress that will look marvelous on you dear! And will you be going with us, Quistis?"

"Oh no. It's best she stays here so she can move her stuff into my room. We'll share my bed, since it's a lot bigger than hers..."

"And it's no imposition for you ladies?"

Am truly going to kill Xu for taking advantage of my almost-mother and her somewhat-depressed state just to take advantage of me while pressed against her in bed.

"Don't worry, Q! I'll bring you a surprise for later! Something...lacy, I think."

Honestly. She had me after demonstrating her manual dexterity during hanging of lights, but as she wants to be sneaky, shall punish her for behavior.


	13. Chapter 13

_December 5_

_Number of cigarettes: 4, but all very delicious_

_Number of times Xu has pounded on wall with fist: a dozen or so_

Currently wishing that Xu would cease her frenzied housekeeping. Our Pandemona Plus Vacuum (and its various attachments and hoses, which have seen little use since Irvine borrowed it to demonstrate what was surely a fairly complex fellatio technique to Selphie) has been roaring for the better part of three hours as Xu has been vacuuming with enough force to suck the dirt from carpets three floors below our own.

Am thoroughly exhausted, bruised, and totally unable to walk. Am incapable of lifting head from pillow, much less lifting my battered body to open bedroom door and plead for relative silence from furious roomie. In spite of cramp in left hamstring and bleeding scratches on hips, am very pleased by these developments, as Seifer has proven to possess loins of the one of the more athletic gods and the stamina of the most devoted self-flagellating worshippers. Am very pleased that yoga-and-latte Thursdays with Selphie have become regular dates of late, as needed every bit of flexibility my tendons could muster to satisfy enormous carnal appetite of former student and recently released prisoner.

Am curious to see what said former student will say when he awakens, as one of his arms is still bound to bedpost by my favorite pink bra and my favorite whip is coiled about his rather impressive shoulders. Am also curious to see what he says when he discovers that I have written 'Teacher's Pet' across his abdominal muscles in a suitably whorish shade of red lipstick. Am pleased with this new moniker, as I am well aware that Seifer likes to pretend that he doesn't enjoy the fact that he is very much a submissive creature. After all, why else would he instantly accept a position as an administrative assistant at Ultimecia Industries after his release if he didn't enjoy a bit of shame? The manner in which their CEO treats her subordinates has been the subject of various scandalous articles in a wide variety of publications. Am fairly certain that her commanding image has been used as inspiration in at least two surprisingly impressive pornographic movies, as I think the appearance of the leggy female protagonist in _CEO My God!_ and _CEO My God! part 2_ was based on her cover in the June issue of _Gil in Galbadia_.

Must remember to go shopping for heels worn by successful executive in said financial journal, as am convinced that black pumps like that will compliment the red laces in corset Xu purchased for me as early holiday gift. As sleep is now paramount to my well-being and recovery, must somehow convince Xu to be quiet for at least a couple of hours. Neither Seifer nor myself have screamed once in the past half hour, so it is no longer necessary for her to pretend to care about the condition of our living room floor.

And as I have to get up early in th~...~...s.....

_So let's see what Trepe is writing in her cute little diary. Coffee, Xu, work, makeup...Hell, Trepe. At least write something fucking interesting, like how I had you bent over the couch when Xu got home from work and how she ran to the kitchen to get a knife to..._

As have now reclaimed my pen and secured Seifer's free hand to remaining bedpost with his sock, shall conclude this entry and punish him for his cheeky behavior. Believe I will invite Xu to said punishment party, as I have not yet bought her a holiday gift and I do want to show appreciation for years of friendship. Am unsure if it will please her more to see red ribbon tied around Seifer's lapdog or a pink one in my hair, as I think both would make her smile.


	14. Chapter 14

_December 30_

2230

_Number of scented candles floating in expensive fish bowl: 2, lavender. Delicious and relaxing._

_Number of cigarettes: 4, v. good, considering level of stress as want more_

There are times when it seems as if the world rests upon my shoulders and said world would be unable to function without my magnanimous supervision, however this becomes v. wearisome at times. Specifically when I must play lookout for tiny pixie with a serious case of the crazies.

After visiting downstairs laundry this am to attend to Xu's sweater problem, was accosted by stealthy figure wearing a charming saffron ski mask complete with poofy tassles and matching gloves. Felt some level of fear initially, as some of my Trepies are far more assertive than others and I fear the day I go to prison for throttling the stalking bastards, but soon felt relief when I saw that my kidnapper was trying to drag me to a fluorescent purple van that reminds me of cannabis-steeped road trips during college. As no proper criminal would be caught dead in such an outfit, nor would drive such an easily recognizable vehicle, I knew instantly that I would soon be dragged into another of Selphie's mad schemes, which always seem to make those concocted by Xu seem designed by the most judicious woman on the planet.

As kidnapper tried to force a gag between my teeth...

_Note to self: must remind Xu that we have shopping trip planned for Friday and she has sworn to replace my favorite riding crop, which she broke upon Fujin's back last month. Must remember to ensure that I do not set Xu up on any blind dates when she is in one of her moods. Fujin has not spoken to either of us since that night, though mysterious bouquets have been appearing in Xu's office recently._...

...I gently, yet forcefully reminded Selphie that I have recently been in too much trouble with the court system to risk another arrest.

"Look Selphie, whatever it is, I want no part of it."

"Aw! How'd ya know it was me?!"

Am fairly certain that I have hurt Selphie's feelings, as it was obvious that a tremendous amount of care went into the planning of her disguise.

"You couldn't even see my face!"

"True, but you're shorter than Rinoa, you always smell like gunpowder and raspberries, plus you are the only person in history that would consider saffron a suitable color for a kidnapping and/or extortion plot. And you giggle. I don't believe kidnappers giggle, at least not while they're on the clock."

"Saff-what?"

"Yellow, Selphie."

"Oh. Right. Darn."

In spite of self and voice in head screaming for me to run far, far away, else shame and misfortune once again befall me, I decided to play the role of loyal friend and aid my disheartened companion.

"Okay, fine. What is so important that you would try to kidnap me?"

Regret ever asking this question, as Selphie's voice, which is normally high enough to raise garage doors during periods of excitement, rose to a level heretofore unheard by human ears. Am fairly certain that alien life on planets lightyears removed from our own have heard it and are hurrying their betentacled children inside, else a cosmic tornado swoop them up into their twisted skies of hydrochloric gas.

"He's acting _suspicious_!"

"What? Who?"

"IRVIE!"

As have never been impressed with Irvine's multitudinous declarations of his love and dedication to his "little darlin' sugarbritches", I must confess that I did very little to aid Selphie during this period of woe.

"Well..."

"Oh God! Not you too! That's just what Rin said!"

Am offended that in spite of years of loyalty to friends, all still seek Princess Heartilly for advice in all matters romantic. Only when they need help with academic problems do they seek my counsel. Except for Xu, of course.

"Then why are you here if Rinoa has already helped you so much?"

Am disappointed with self for note of bitterness that crept into voice, though am pleased that Selphie appeared suitably shamed.

"Because everything is _perfect_ for her and she already has everything she wants! You just have Killer Bee and Xu!"

Shall one day hang Selphie upside down over hot coals.

"Ugh. Forget it. I'm going back upstairs."

"NO! You hafta go with me!"

At this point, Selphie pulled from her back pocket a detailed map the likes of which remind me that no matter how flighty she may be, there is an insanely genius rabid dog of a brain foaming and snarling just behind those big green eyes. There were enough highlighted routes to and from her target to make even the most experienced of indecisive suicide bombers jealous of her organizational skills.

"See? He's been hanging out at this coffee shop every day until about 0923, which is an odd number if you ask me, then he walks two blocks north, cuts east for another three blocks, then he circles around and waits for this cute little redhead to open her jewelry shop."

"So?"

Map which had gained my admiration earlier was not so impressive when slapped against forehead.

"Sooo...it means he's cheating on me!"

"Maybe he's just shopping..."

"With a redhead?! The kinkiest hair color of them all?!"

As I have always been erroneously told that blondes have more fun, I do not consider myself an expert on phenotypic proclivities towards behaviors of any sort.

"Perhaps he's just..."

"No! Once he told me that he would love to bang a redhead to see if the curtains matched the carpet..."

Must remind self to tell Xu to call Irvine to satisfy his curiosity, as she once dated a ginger girl named Lucy or something like that and could vouch for er...matching furnishings.

"That doesn't mean that he's cheating on you, Selphie. Maybe he's just..."

Though I loudly protested for the twenty minute drive to the stakeout point, it did no good, as I soon found myself on my knees behind a dumpster, spying on a tall man in a cowboy hat ambling about a jewelry shop.

"See there? He's _smiling_ at her!"

As binoculars were beginning to freeze to face, did not argue.

"And look at the dirty whore! She's touching his arm! I knew it! They're fuck-buddies!"

Truthfully, the touch seemed fairly innocent, but as it was starting to snow and my pantyhose were fast perforating themselves from the contact with the asphalt, I agreed with her.

"And look! She's smiling right back at him! I'm gonna kill 'em both!"

As Selphie is the mistress of all things combustible and/or explosive, I became concerned, because I took a sip of her coffee on the way to stakeout/ premeditated murder contemplation point, and I did not want to be connected with homicide that would bring me very little satisfaction.

"Oooh! And now he's buying a ring! The asshole! I'll string him up by his balls and make him dance a jig!"

"Umm, Selphie...?"

"What?!?!"

Under no circumstances will I ever again interrupt Selphie Tilmitt while she is planning her glitter and fairydust version of revenge. Am fairly certain that I saw flames of Hell burning in her pixie-green irises.

"Umm..."

"Oh wait! Now he's out of the shop and he has his cell! Who's he gonna call...?"

The ring from her pocket made us both scream.

"Hello? What? No, I'm just...er, with Quisty. Yeah, with Quisty. What? No, we're not naked...what? Backflips? Ha! No, Xu isn't here, though I bet she'd like to see that too! Wait, what? You want to meet me where? Okay, but why? A surprise?! Oooooh! Okay! Love ya! Bye!"

The speed with which Selphie left me in that alley was shocking, to say the very least. The walk home, however, was as far removed from speedy as sensibility and reason are to Rinoa. Upon arrival to flat with no properly laundered sweaters in hand, Xu initially met me at the door with a frown on her face, though frown soon was replaced by look of concern that helped soothe injured feelings.

"What the bloody fuck happened to you? You're soaked! And you reek!"

"Ugh. Long story, but I think we may need to soon go shopping for something to wear to a wedding."

Am grateful to Xu for running a hot bath and preparing a fresh pot of coffee.

"So who's getting hitched? Princess and our fearless commander?"

"Well, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that Selphie is banging her boyfriend for buying her an engagement ring as we speak."

"Hmm. And why does that always disturb me?"

Was becoming very sleepy and relaxed by this point, due in part to temperature of hot bath, but mainly due to Xu's miraculous fingers on shoulders that previously felt so weary.

"Because he never removes his hat..."

"Uh huh..."

"And it's kind of creepy..."

"Very true..."

"Xu?"

"Hmm?"

Fell asleep at this point and Xu is still upset with me. Shall strangle her at next opportunity for leaving me to sleep in cooling water instead of carrying me to bed. Shall imply that she could have made it much further if she had played her cards right, just to see her reaction. Should be interesting to see if she can create any new curse words.


	15. Chapter 15

_January 4_

In spite of all evidence to the contrary,

_Note to self: replace shattered bathroom mirror at earliest opportunity and pick up another pack of cigs, as you're currently smoking your last one, you nicotine-addicted harlot, you._

I am not jealous of Xu's new playmate, nor am I jealous of the time Xu has been spending in the company of aforementioned slutty tart with gravity-defiant tits. Am not jealous that said silicone-injected goth-tramp has stolen my best friend from me during period of personal crisis to a sun-soaked island for a week of sex, margaritas, sex, fancy pineapple sushi things on skewers that we were going to try on our next break, sex, nude beaches, sex, more margaritas, and wake-boarding.

Am also not sitting in the office of one S. Leonhart, having my hair braided into pigtails by one R. Heartilly and one S. Tilmitt as they try to drag me out of my self-pitying pit of despair.

Am also trying valiantly to deny the fact that I am in denial.

"Well, she could talk to Dr. K, but I'm pretty sure she's hiding out somewhere in Trabia..."

"Shh! They still have this place bugged, Rin! Don't go blabbing her position!"

"But I didn't mean to..."

Shall be necessary to take an aspirin for each side of my head, as braids on either side were jerked from one bubbly brunette to the other as they tried to split my head in twain in order to make their points known with as little noise as possible. Feeling very much like a yoyo at this point, though am pleased with previously unknown ability to write beautifully under physical duress. Shall remember to suggest sex game to Seifer on next date, one involving a permanent marker, my beautiful flowing handwriting, and his bare ass.

"They found her stash in the training center, so now she's hiding from the fuzz. Keep your voice down!"

"But I..."

"Zip it!"

"But!"

"Zip-zip-zip it!"

This last series of barked commands resulted in Selphie tearing a good portion of hair from my scalp. As I am fairly vain about my hair, I feel justified in stabbing her knee with my pen, as we are good friends and she would have done the same thing had it been me glaring at Rinoa with a fistful of her hair.

"Ouch, Quisty! What the hell was that for?"

"For talking about me as if I weren't even in the room."

Shall ignore the fact that Rinoa seemed as if she wanted to correct me by saying, _you mean Squall's office, right, Quisty?, _since she did in fact refrain from opening her mouth. Could have been due to the fact that Selphie was wiggling free a ballpoint pen from her lower thigh, but whatever the case, am glad that Rinoa kept her mouth shut as am sure that I would have aimed higher in her case.

"What're ya talkin' about? We were just talking about Dr. K, er, I mean, errr, Rusty Shackleford! Yeah! We weren't talkin' about you at all!"

Had forgotten that Selphie and Irvine are very good friends with said doctor, due in part to Kadowaki's extensive biological background which enables her to produce very potent strains of chocobo greens. Had also forgotten fact that parties at SeeD quarters A were legendary amongst both students and staff. Shall one day beat Selphie for not inviting me.

"You weren't?"

"Of course we were Quisty! Selphie and I just got a bit sidetracked when we started talking about..."

"Rusty!"

"Er, right. About Mr. er...Shackleford. We don't like this funk you've been in since Xu started her vacation..."

With a hell-spawned whore, I wanted to add.

"...so we want to cheer you up!"

"By trying to say that I need to seek psychological counsel with a pot-smoking hippie?"

"Shh! That's 'herbal medicine specialist'!" Am fairly sure that Selphie only meant to point in direction of potentially bugged air-conditioning vents, but as she tried to point at all of them at once, the effect was reminiscent of the time Zell discovered that he is allergic to mustard and began seizing on the cafeteria floor. Rather entertaining afternoon.

"Hey! I've got a great idea!"

Began to get nervous at this, for Selphie's great ideas are sometimes painful ideas, and often involve copious amounts antibiotic ointment when the dust has cleared and the explosions have faded away. Rinoa is not the vapid waste of air I sometimes think her to be, for she also appeared to get rather skittish and took two steps backwards when those fatal words passed Selphie's grinning lips.

"We could call Elle for ya!"

Am beginning to become concerned that I spend far too much time in Rinoa's company, as both of us slapped our foreheads simultaneously and groaned very similar protestations.

"I am NOT calling Ellone for help, Selphie. I just need another cig and I'll be perfectly fine."

"Yeah, she's not exactly, er, been herself lately."

Am still trying to recover hearing in left ear, as Selphie's screeched "But-she-has-an-advertisement-on-late-night-tv-and-a-turban-and-EVERYTHING!" has done significant damage to the sensitive membranes of my inner ear.

"No, Selphie. I am not calling Sis just because I've been bored."

"But she can tell you your fuuuuuuture! Just like she does on tv!"

"No."

"She has a _turban_, Quisty." Said with rather more resolve than I'm accustomed to hearing from Selphie, as if turbans were the oil in the great clock of life that kept it all from flying apart due to the insidious machinations of the sands of time, she spun to Squall's desk phone and began dialing a lengthy number. I very nearly stopped her, as the call would no doubt be expensive, then I happened to recall that we were in Squall's office. Am pleased that Selphie was placed on hold for twenty minutes, though kept my face suitably impassive during the duration of said hold period. Smug doesn't suit the victorious, after all, or at least that's what my Mum always said when she won that divorce settlement from my bastard of an adopted father.

Phone was summarily placed in my hands and Selphie leaned back in Squall's chair, propped her feet on the desk and began eating sunflower seeds from her pocket. Am still amused by Rinoa's attempts to catch airborne seed capsules spat at photograph of the happy couple.

As Selphie had one eye closed and the other directed at yours truly, no doubt aiming a sunflower seed at my head, I decided it was best to play along with her little game. "Hello?"

"Ah, my dear Quistis! How are yooooou?"

Am very confused by Ellone's strange new speaking patterns. Am unsure if this is part of her television fortune-telling act, or if she has lost a boxing match and is speaking from one side of her mouth.

"Well, I'm doing well, so..."

"Ah, but you're not doing as well as you'd like for me to belieeeeeeve..."

Was beginning to wonder if Elle was wearing her turban or not, because if so, perhaps unwinding it a bit would benefit her extended vowels.

"I'm really fine. Selphie and Rinoa are..."

"Even now braiding your haaaaaair..."

Wanted to correct Elle, as they had given that up about ten minutes previous, but decided not to ruin her belated prognostication as she was only off by a few moments.

"Um..."

"And they are trying to cheer you uuuuuuup!"

Selphie was at that time chasing Rinoa around Squall's office, spitting sunflower seeds in her hair and wielding a decorative gunblade stolen from the case above his desk.

"Well..." Said decorative gunblade smashed into the wall and tore various awards and accreditations from their casings, causing Rinoa to squeal in agony at the mess. "...they _are _doing a smashing job of that at this moment..."

"Ah, Ellone the Wise sees all and knows alllll..."

"Right."

Spent a solid ten minutes listening to Ellone try to convince me that she would give me the discounted family rate if I utilized her fortune telling services on a weekly basis, as our dear brother Squall did.

"You mean Squall has to _pay you to listen to him?"_

Am impressed with how quickly Elle dropped the oooh's and aaaah's when I began laughing at the thought of Squall weeping over a telephone fortune telling hotline just to talk to his dear older sister.

"Oh for the love of Hyne, you're not going to tell him I told you that, are you?"

"What? Oh no, never!"

Until he threatens to deny me that raise I earned during that last SeeD mission, but of course this shall remain unspoken.

"Good, 'cause I need him to pay for my travel expenses. Got a convention coming up and I need his cash."

Spent another ten minutes catching up with my dear older sister, during which time Rinoa somehow managed to get Selphie in a chokehold that even I had to envy. I must give the girl credit. Tying Selphie down is no easy task, as Xu told me that...

Damn it. And I had almost forgotten her.

Must call Seifer so I do not spend another night bored senseless in my apartment, though will undoubtedly regret it later, as Seifer will begin bragging about his new job and I will want Xu there to hit him with frying pan, as she did during his last visit.

00000000000000000000

Note: The Rusty Shackleford alias is stolen straight from 'King of the Hill'. I can't explain it, but I think Selphie would be a big fan of Dale Gribble and his paranoia/fear of the government.


	16. Chapter 16

_January 13_

_Number of cigarettes: 19, v. bad_

_Number of aspirin: 4_

_Number of vodka tonics: 4 as well, as seeking balance in life and do not wish to tip scales_

Am currently in plaster cast thanks to the tender ministrations of one Zell Dincht, who erroneously thought I would enjoy a day of frolicking and merriment in the bullet-and-disease ridden training grounds of a hyper-masculine zombie-apocalypse survivalist group based in Timber.

Am grateful that punji sticks were not included in pit trap that held me for six hours, as right ankle would not be only thing injured by well-meaning but ultimately ham-handed rescue attempt by clumsy martial artist with a bit of rope. Shall remind Zell that screams of pain are most definitely _not _words of encouragement, no matter how his troop leader insists that pain is a sign of the living.

Pain in ankle is great, however it is nothing to the shame felt by the knowledge that my words were ignored.

Spent most of Wednesday morning grading papers and sipping coffee while my students spent time in training center. Zell entered my classroom to throw a handful of glossy brochures on my desk. The poor lad's smile was quite nearly enough to split his skull as he explained his plans for the following day's entertainment.

"We're doing what?"

"Survival camp! You'll love it! There's an obstacle course and a zip-line and..."

"And a seminar on evading the living dead?"

"Er...well, yeah! I mean, the zombie apocalypse is just around the corner."

"The what?"

At this point, became convinced that Zell had been gorging on hallucinogenic mold from bad bread.

"The end of the world! They're going to eat our brains and turn us all into their mindless slaves!"

"Well, that stands to reason. If they eat our brains, we all will be mindless. It is indeed a sad fate, though I believe you'll be safe."

Was grasped on either side of my head by two ketchup-stained hands and pulled across my desk. Am fairly sure he did not understand the joke.

"You're in terrible danger! They'll be after you most of all!"

As the only danger came from drowning in the amount of spittle being misted upon my cheeks, I could only stare in something like disgusted wonder.

"Why the hell am I in such danger?"

"They'll smell your brains from a mile away!"

Had never considered level of intelligence as a true physical reality, but upon looking into those terrified eyes, I realized that to some people, being brainy was a liability.

"Bloody hell."

"That too!"

In spite of repeated requests to be left alone to spend the night alone in my apartment with a bottle of vodka and a book, the next day I found myself on a bus reeking of mentholated muscle cream and sweat. Filled as it was with paranoid men that seemed to consider me some form of alien life instead of a normal female, I sat as closely as possible to Zell so that they might think of me as a symbiotic growth on his hip instead of a threat.

Am certain that I could have aptly defended myself against any physical threats, as the most fit member of these soldiers of fortune had a beer gut the size of Rinoa's ego, but as I did not desire any tobacco juice spat in my direction, I elected to stick close to Zell.

Upon our arrival, we were shuffled to a tent and inspected for signs of life, all the while being reminded that the enemy was everywhere. Zell mumbled something to me about his research on zombie life, but I quickly corrected him. Turns out this was mistake, as all eyes in tent turned to me and I was subjected to a deafening spiel from a red-faced man in a second-hand camouflage jacket.

I had been unaware that the zombies, in all their mindless, unintelligent wisdom, have been plotting the demise and consumption of the living for centuries, but until recently had not made their move. When I asked this man why we should be frightened by a bunch of lumbering corpses with an appetite for cranial matter, as it seemed to me that once we were all members of this new race, we would summarily become extinct, as all food-sources for the new undead republic would be eliminated in their initial bid for power, there was a collective gasp from all present.

Had never heard a collective gasp before, but was not impressed, as I previously thought I would be. Collective gasps from lungs obstructed by tobacco smoke do not sound as they do in movies, when crowds are often much prettier and far healthier than the cirrhotic, overweight men surrounding us.

As Zell feared being beaten to death as a traitor before we even tried the zip-line, we decided to run to the obstacle course and begin our training as defenders of life and all that is living.

Did not expect to fall ten feet below ground into hidden sand-pit while Zell jogged ahead in boyish, giggling pursuit of the zip-line, nor did I expect to spend six hours holding my bladder while sixty men skirted the pit and ignored my pleas for rescue. Am convinced that they thought me a covert agent working for the zombies and were happy to leave me in pit to die a second death.

Was surprised to hear gunfire as the army of men armed themselves with live ammunition and fired into what I hope really were non-living targets. Did not hear any moans of the undead, though I did try hard to listen.

"Psst!"

"Eh?"

After what must have been an exhilarating day on the zip-line, Zell must have realized that he had left me behind and came in search of his big-brained zombie-bait.

"We gotta get outta here! Those guys are crazy!"

"Oh? You're just now figuring this out?"

"They think I'm a zombie!"

"For the love of all things holy..."

"All I said was 'I'm starvin', man. Can we head to the lunch tent?', then they went bonkers."

"You said "hungry" and "head" to those idiots?"

"I didn't think they were _that _serious!"

Shall one day murder Zell, but not any day soon, as ankle is still in fair amount of pain and am not feeling up to homicide.

Shall instead drink another vodka tonic and watch zombie movie with Killer Bee.


	17. Chapter 17

_January 23_

_Number of cigarettes: 24, though now out and in very foul mood because of it_

_Number of times pacing the hallway: 74 or thereabouts_

Am currently experiencing a crisis of epic, earth-shattering proportions, the individual parts of which have come together in some sort of cosmic bitch-slap.

-Xu is in hospital

-Seifer is in hospital

-Table is in splinters

-Ceiling is leaking

-East-facing window is shattered

-Out of cigarettes

The morning began much as it always does, with Killer Bee kneading my belly through the blanket, her purrs a prelude to the first movement of Xu's pre-noon opera of destruction. I was extremely tired, both from a grueling 14 hour day teaching whip basics to a new class of spring term students and from the toll that lessons for beginners always take, as my arms and legs were criss-crossed with a series of whip-lashes from which I hoped to spend the morning recovering. As I tried to have a lie-in, I heard Xu's usual "Fuck me, who let the sun up again?" as she stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee.

It was after I heard the very singular ring of fist meeting mandibular flesh that I remembered that Seifer had spent the night again, tending to my lashes with his tongue, and his presence was slightly less-than-welcomed by my room-mate and confidante.

Killer Bee seemed smugly amused by my attempts to untangle myself from my blankets, almost as if saying that it was useless to intervene, as they were destined to kill each other anyway and possibly spill the milk from Seifer's cereal onto the floor. I was exhausted and sore, and certainly in no mood to mop up blood again from another of their squabbles.

"Why are you here AGAIN?"

"I'm eating, you crazy bitch!"

"I'll give you something to eat, alright..."

Am fairly sure that I heard Seifer choke on his cornflakes, as he has a truly charming way of squeaking when he's embarrassed and only Xu has the ability to make him blush.

There were quite a few crashes at this point, most of which were my collection of coffee mugs being lodged into the sheetrock by former-championship-pitcher Xu in the general direction of the head of former-favorite-student Seifer. As I value my caffeine more than I value the health and well-being of my friends (since coffee is expensive and one can go down the street to any seedy bodega to get a potion to repair a few simple lacerations) I felt that it was time I end this fight.

"Stop this right now!"

Am benevolent fairy descending from stardust and moonbeam glittered bower to teach mortal children that war is never the answer.

Am angel of mercy, a balm to the brows of my war-weary compatriots.

Am also bruised from jumping between Seifer and Xu and being rewarded for my efforts by being struck in the shoulder by an airborne bottle of Ursa honey in a very cute teddy bear shape, the bastards.

"Umm...Trepe?"

Was dripping in honey at this point and was very unhappy about it. I was quite put out to be in the middle of a rapidly spreading puddle of sticky nectar. Was also very unhappy to discover that honey was dripping into various nether-regions, as I had tumbled out of bed in a great hurry and had neglected to dress myself.

Was pleased to discover that fight had ended and was being regarded with something like the awe normally reserved for deities of the pretty sort that are featured in marble statuary and art history texts.

"Stop what, Q?"

Xu's hand was limp and her jaw was hanging open. She seemed to come to herself when I crossed my arms and assumed what I like to think of as my stern face, finally snapping my fingers in front of her nose.

"This fighting. Stop it, I say! I'm beyond tired and I'm trying to sleep!"

"We weren't fighting, were we, Xu?"

Became suspicious at this point, as Seifer put his arm around Xu's shoulder and she made no attempt to gnaw it off, as she did at holiday party when Selphie tried to take our photo.

"You were. I can see your nose bleeding. And I think that Xu has broken a finger."

Xu elbowed Seifer in the ribs. I would have thought this normal, had Seifer not returned the gesture with a nod, which was singular in itself, as they had never agreed on anything.

"What the hell is going on? Why aren't you trying to kill each other?"

"You asked us to stop."

Even Killer Bee seemed a bit frightened, as they answered in unison and their voices melded together surprisingly well, making it seem as if Xu might have junctioned Seifer. Or Seifer junctioned Xu, which seemed a bit scarier to my mind, as I've always imagined that Xu would happily be a horned demonic guardian force if given the opportunity and Seifer would simply be a shining naked version of himself, as he is vain and fond of showing off. Regardless, Killer Bee hid in my bedroom while they advanced on me with very strange hypnotized expressions.

It was somewhere between Seifer lifting me on the kitchen table and Xu licking away trails of honey that I realized that I am sex goddess supreme and all shall look upon me as golden divinity sent to earth to end global conflict. Am now aware that leaping into a fray stark naked from previous night's exertions has ability to end any battle, provided that said stark naked self is covered from head to toe in teddy bear honey.

To say that all exhaustion was forgotten would be incorrect, as my exhaustion wasn't forgotten so much as banished to the four corners of hell where it was summarily burned away by the fiery tongues of a pair of sex demons.

This proved to be a mistake, as forgetting my exhaustion is a very bad thing. Exhaustion and injury lead to my body defending herself, and as Seifer and Xu are fond of nibbling, my body decided to mistake their rather pleasant bites as attacks, and began to explode in an effort to eliminate said threats.

Am writing this in hospital waiting room, as Xu has wound in shoulder and Seifer has a giant hole through his hand from one of my many automatic nipple bullets. I smoked the last of my cigarettes ten minutes ago, and am lamenting the fact that I forgot to grab my purse on way to hospital.

Shall murder the pair of them for making me shoot them, as I have very little control over direction of mammary cannons and should not be sitting here waiting arrival of police while they lie in an elixir-high in the surgical recovery rooms.


	18. Chapter 18

_February 2_

_Number of prayers made to Hyne: 4_

_Number of cigarettes hastily smoked out of classroom window: 7_

_Number of bruises from over-zealous sister: 8, possibly more in v. near future, as said Sister was staring at me with bloodlust in her eyes again. _

After a series of events last week that Xu lovingly refers to as "The Greatest Day of Her Life", and the police like to call "File 17-A, The City of Balamb vs Quistis Trepe", I decided that it was in my best interest to seek religion. V. important, this, as part of parole agreement requires community service as means of avoiding jail time, and Balamb's Sisters in the Service of Hyne had v. convenient community in need of service.

_Note to self: visions of self in seductive form-fitting habit, while excellent fodder for Xu's imagination, thus excellent incentive for various favors, are not realistic and must be shoved to nether regions of mind, where entire lifetime of memories (like 6th birthday party and clown sent from depths of abyss) are stored in hopes of eventual mental destruction. _

_Second note to self: sleep with light on, and in Xu's bed, possibly with handgun and teddy bear. Recall what therapist said last week. Repeat soothing mantra to self before bedtime. Take shot of whiskey as well, as soothing mantra transformed into terrified screams when therapist was proven to be full of shit after last week's session. Repression and alcoholism seem to be far healthier than acceptance. Certainly leads to fewer nightmares. _

Did not expect to be tardy for community service, and did not expect to enter argument regarding definition of truancy with hard-nosed sister upon arrival to assigned classroom.

Figured would aid inner city children in boisterous sing-along, thus winning national championship and recognition for poverty-stricken religious school, or would charm heartbroken widower after earning trust of his brood of seemingly spoiled but ultimately affection-starved blonde clones and become benevolent mother figure and treasured wife, as per cinematic example.

Figured also that would be serving lemon cookies baked by kindly wise woman, assisting her in warm, though appropriately industrial kitchen, perhaps with flour on forehead and sweat of cheerful earnestness upon brow.

Most certainly did _not_ expect to be struck across knuckles with ruler for attire, as had dressed in usual teaching uniform and felt over-dressed for baking lemon cookies in subterranean dungeon with old religious nutbag bitch.

"Cover your knees, you gap-legged gutter-slut."

Have never, despite years of prayer on said knees, been a gap-legged gutter-slut. Looked to her protégé for assistance, as younger, more attractive sister seemed less inclined to belt me with bit of wood.

"What's wrong with my knees? I'm wearing hose. "

First blow to knuckles occurred after lifting hem of skirt to show that I was indeed wearing hose, matte, as sheer seemed inappropriate for religious institution.

"We're here in the service of Hyne, not the service of whatever sailors are willing to jeopardize their moral and physical health by sinking their anchors in _your _foul waters, missy!"

Second blow to knuckles occurred when I stated that I did not know any sailors, though I had certainly spent a fair amount of time in the company of mercenaries.

"Keep your sinful mouth closed and see to these floors before the boys get here for their class."

Had brush and bucket shoved into hands and was sent to clean floors. Spent better part of four hours on sinful knees, as impossible to clean floors otherwise. My experiment in attaching scrub brush to shoe as floor-cleaning wonder skate as per example of Satuday morning cartoon characters ended in failure. Favorite white blouse is fit for the trash now as well, having been doused in wave of dirty mop water when sister returned to class and kicked bucket in effort to expedite matters.

"Ten minutes, you filthy trollop. Class begins at 8, sharp. If you would spend more time on your knees in service to the Great Hyne instead of those soldiers you entertain in your bawdyhouse, you'd be done by now."

Struck across knuckles again when students began filing into classroom earlier than anticipated and cold from frigid ice water drew their attention to my now-ruined outfit.

"So this is how you teach in that 'school' of yours, is it?"

Was prevented from answering when four boys crashed into sister and caused her to topple into face-first into my rack of sin. Would have considered this great victory against Hyne and his wicked she-devil minions, but drawing the gaze of a miniature army of miniature men seemed a trifle shallow. Am convinced that my chest has powers of repulsion, as sister shook her finger at me in promise of more beatings to come, then left me with said mini army to shame my way through the lesson.

"It helps if you just nod and hang your head in contrition."

Ah, the kind assistant! Bless her, oh Hyne, for she took over the teaching duties while I stuck my head out the window and had a quick smoke.

And then another.

"Is she always like that?"

Kind assistant would not look at me during duration of lesson. Spent entirety of class avoiding me, in fact, which was rather offensive until I realized that kind assistant turned red in much the same way Xu does when I walk nude through apartment in search of clothes.

"Only with pretty women."

Definitely a sister in service of the wrong god, then. Felt it my holy duty to introduce kind assistant to Xu, as her birthday is fast approaching and she has weak spot for blondes.

"What's your name, sister?"

"Oh, we don't have names here. We just have numbers."

Perfect. Xu keeps a very close tally of her conquests, though she's shit for remembering names. Seems that she calls them all my name by mistake. Has made for a great many indignant voicemails left for both of us. She remembers every number, though. Seems that Hyne has blessed them both.

Began a lengthy conversation with sweet, kind Number 43, during which I learned that she has yet to complete her training and is not yet bound to rules of fanatics, so she can conceivably still escape to world outside and indulge in sin that is much more fun than the sort prohibited by religious instruction.

Was unable to steal sweet Number 43 from convent, though, as Mother Bitch herself once more descended upon class and announced that my time was up and I was to be sent once more into the den of wickedness and idolatry that was the outside world. Was summarily kicked out with certificate stating completion of all 140 hours community service, in spite of having completed only 12.

Have very strong feeling that I am not wanted back in the service of Hyne.

Must remind Xu that she also owes community service to City of Balamb and would be wise to enter into Hyne's service in my stead to complete said punishment. Should work out well, as Xu fears no godly comeuppance and will pile-drive horrible sister, especially if innocent blonde in habit is divine reward.


End file.
